Permanent December
by Mileycfan4eva
Summary: First request for my Rolivia One Shot series requested by two guests. So I made this a two shot fic. If anyone wants to see this made into a whole fic pls leave a review. After Patton's trial Amanda is in need of a little TLC but will it cost Liv more than she ever imagined?
1. Chapter 1 Permanent December Part One

**Rolivia One Shots**

**Chapter: Permanent December **

**January 2015, 1-6 Precinct, New York, NY**

**A/N: Takes place after Forgiven Rollins, this will be a two -shot first shot being told in Amanda's POV. The second Olivia's. Enjoy, please leave a review. Disclaimer I own nothing. This part of the fic is based more on the feelings of what the writer of the song might have been feeling as they wrote this, not so much the lyrical context, part two will focus more on the lyrics. **

"It's over Amanda. Sweetie. You can relax now."

Olivia's hand gently sweeps through my hair, her lips ever so gracefully graze my check my body can't seem to stop shaking. "I don't feel like it's over Sarge. I can't shake him, I feel sickened. No matter how many times I shower, I can't get him off me, I feel him in me, hear his voice."

"Listen to me Amanda, sweets." Olivia's legs are wrapped around my waist, my head is resting on her chest both of us curled up on the couch in her office. "I'll drown it out Rollins, let me sing to you. Does that sound okay?"

My throat is stuck I can't breathe, swallow, sobs stick in the back of my subglottic space. Tiny gasps wail out in spastic, sporadic sequences. "Shh, Honey, let it out, you have nothing to be ashamed of, I'm so sorry that you've carried this alone for so long, God, I wish I had listened to you back then." sniffling I look up meeting her eyes which are filled with tears, pain, and anger. Her fingers warmly pressed against my checks. "When?" She helps me to sit up when I start to cough her hand rubs gently against my back as giant sobs wrench through my guts, it becomes harder to breathe. My face is heating up I can feel him on my skin, holding my wrists tightly. I can see him leering over me, his deep southern accent rolling off his tongue like the chorus in a country song full of tang and sass. "You'll never escape me, Amanda, I know where you live." his breath sinks of anger and whiskey. The stinging sensation of his hand smashes me across my left cheek, hard. I can't cry, breathe or even think. My body is frozen, I feel so exhausted. "Stop Squirming, bitch." "Ow...Stop Chief Patton, Please, dear god please stop!"

His hand smacks me again harder drawing blood on my lips which I feel swelling. "I said stop it, you goddamn whore." My whole body is strained from fighting his, body weighs on top of me. Too much weight. I can't breathe I'm so scared, I've never felt this hopeless, this fear is river deep rolling as fast and rigid as the Chattooga River. Never in my life have I felt plunged so deep into the bottom of the riverbank of fear. Mind-numbing fear, it's horrifying to be held down have your clothes ripped off your body, to have your pride, soul and dignity, and self- respect taken away in one act of horror.

I scream as the next blow comes at me as his hands grip my shirt pushing it up, pain so fierce it rips me open waves of nausea began washing through me. "Please Chief don't do this, please I am sorry," I was unable to stop crying and shaking. I felt transported into a different universe. There was nothing, nothing I could do. I couldn't run, I couldn't fight him. I tried hard though scratching, biting his ear, he hit me harder, I couldn't plead any longer. He wasn't listening. My body was tense fear was gripping me. He pushed my hands above my head, he enters me, I can't stop screaming, "think about your sister, Rollins, think of how sweet that dirty little mouth would feel on my most private parts, I bet her cherry lips would give me the most amazing, so either shut-up or I go propose this towards sweet little Kim."

I am powerless, I feel helpless, why is this happening? Why do I always have to be Kim's savior? I'm so tired of fighting, I am always fighting for everything, from the time I was born. I had to fight for my rights from shelter, safety, love, food, education. Not just mine but hers too, it made me grow up fast, maybe if I hadn't protected Kim every chance she would have grown up, learned to fight her own battles. I give up my body goes slack his laughter echo's off the walls.

"Manda, honey. what's going on? Calm down, my love. I need you to breathe for me, please baby girl lay down." I can't breathe why can't Liv see that? I'm so dizzy my chest is so tight, fingers so stiff.

"Breathe with me Rollins 1..2...3 keep your head held up, look at me, I need you to look me in the eyes, you're safe hun, I'm here no one will hurt you again. I promise I won't let them." I'm not sure how long it is until my body gives out collapsing in my Sargent's lap. My whole body is shaking sweaty but I feel frozen like I am stuck in a state of Permanent December. I never use to mind the winter months growing up in Southern Georgia the lowest climate we've ever experienced was 50 degrees. Even in mid-February; I can remember going to school in shorts and short sleeve shirts. Since moving to New York I've started to hate Dec-Marchh, I adjust of course but every December it hits me hard the first snowfall always makes me feel like I am stuck inside a glazier, after being soaked in a hurricane. It's not just a physical effect though, whenever I see the snow falling my depression rages full frontal.

I was diagnosed back when I was 14 years old but of course, we didn't have the money to afford medication and therapy was out of the question, it went against Mama's pride and code. I always thought it was stupid however now as an adult I've found myself living by it. I can handle my own life, I don't need to pay someone to listen to me. Most of the year I am okay, except for that one day of the year. Everyone else is always so happy when they see snow, the kids run outside to make snow angels have snowball fights. Excited for no school they're the epitome of innocence and purity. Everything I never was.

It's the one day of the year where I call off curl up by my fireplace, wrap myself in blankets all my demons race back slamming into me at once; I never allow myself to cry instead I just drink myself to oblivion. The strongest alcohol until my insides are so warm, till I have so much inside of me I vomit, it never works my demons are still there. Still haunting me, but for those few hours when I am drunk off my ass by the fireplace, I feel warm, I feel safe.

Now I feel frozen, I have no alcohol to warm me up. "Please don't shut yourself down." "I can't Liv, I can't it's just really hard. I don't know where to start. I walked into it Sarge, I knew what he wanted I agreed to it until you've been raped Liv, I'm sorry you can't possibly know what it feels like to have your whole world torn apart."

"Amanda." her voice hitches "I do know, I wasn't raped that's very true sweetheart." Closing my eyes I inhale her scent, Eau de Parfum the citrus is Intense warm like the burn which assaults my throat whenever I take a drink. Comforting, soothing my flood gates open "I was undercover in a prison years ago." Her fingers are stiff but loving as they stroke vertical over my scalp the rise of her heartbeat the warmth of her skin, which is against my tender check from her open blouse. All lure me into a wonderful safe warm cocoon. Her admission catches me off guard she hardly ever talks about her trauma. Liv is always professional an almost impenetrable shield. "I was handcuffed to a pipe, at his mercy he..." Her voice stiffens clogging, I don't want to move my head but her pain smashes into my skull as hard as Patton's hand did back at that hotel room. She's putting herself through these memories just to ease my pain. Why? When did I become so important to her?

"Liv you don't have to." "Shh honey, I want to I need you to know you are not alone. I know you feel this way, scared untouchable, like no one will believe you or understand. Every touch makes you feel his hands on your back like bugs are crawling all over you." I nod tears softly rolling down my cheeks. "Lewis tortured me for days, he still haunts me. I should have seen the signs, Amanda, not just because I am a detective but I am also a victim. I should have known when you said something happened that wasn't worth pursuing, that it was 100% worth pursuing. I hate seeing you in this pain."

"Sarge I am so sorry, I don't want you to relieve this." "Shh, honey my love, I didn't tell you this to feel sorry for me. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me, not just as your Sargent, Amanda I would like us to be friends, I want you to know that there is always someone here in your corner."

Laying my head back down on her chest I close my eyes, feeling her delicately run a washcloth over my face, the cool wetness alleviates my flushing burning. "Let me help you, Amanda. Can you accept that?" Tears prick my eyes no one has ever touched me in this way, no one not even my damn mother has ever shown such compassion, tenderness, and love towards me.

"Ever have a massage, Amanda,?" "No Liv, between my gambling debts, addictions, I can barely afford my rent, no time for luxury." "Well let me help you with that honey, every woman needs a massage to help ease their tension, every woman deserves to be treated like a goddess." "Not me Liv, I don't deserve tenderness." "Yes, Amanda. Baby you do. I'll start at your neck, relax." her fingers are soft but firm as they massage my neck, working their way to my shoulders, arms, back. My blazer is shed as I silently cry "Crying isn't a show of weakness Mandy, my love it's a sign of true strength to know that you need this release, to take care of yourself. I've cried so many nights when I was alone Manda, and yes sometimes I was ashamed, I wished for someone to hold me, kiss me, tell me I wasn't a freak or dirty. To tell me I was lovable."

"Liv, you are, my god you so are," I want to turn but damn her hands against my now barebackk feel amazing, her voice is soft beautiful as she sings to me.

_Oh, yeah, I don't wanna be just a memory, baby, yeah __When I'm all choked up  
But I can't find the words  
Every time we say goodbye  
Baby, it hurts  
When the sun goes down  
And the band won't play  
I'll always remember us this way, oh, yeah_

Sleep comes easily to me with her gentleness, sleep, however, is my enemy I hear him, I feel him. His laughter rings out his hands roughly push me against the courthouse after his trial even now years later he is still so powerful to me, I can feel my chest tighten in fear, no one is around to hear my cries. My stomach is taut muscles clenching. "I'll be back Mandy when you least expect it, your a fool to think this is over, it's never over, I always get what I want, I'm coming back, but don't flatter yourself bitch." his breath is hot as it hits my check his words menacing "This time you little whore, I'm coming after your precious Olivia, I bet her sweet ass would be hot as fire in bed."

"No!" screaming I push myself up losing my balance falling off the couch she scrambles to help me up "Amanda shh, I'm here you're safe, my love. Let me help you, I'm not here to hurt you." Strong tender hands grip my elbow helping me up "Liv," my voice quivers as I feel the acid burning behind my throat "I got you Amanda." hands guide my back towards the garbage can where I promptly project bile coughing her hands rubbing my back. Q knock on the door startles me "Not now." Liv's voice is harsh as she yells to whoever interrupted us. I can't let him touch her, she's so strong so resilient, she's survived Lewis and that creep in jail. She doesn't deserve to be attacked by Patton. To be dragged into the mess I created.

"You want it to end Amanda, you know what to do. You'll always end up hurting someone until your not here to hurt someone, you want to escape me, Rollins, end it, do the world a favor, because I will never stop haunting your sweet ass, until your dead. I'll get Olivia, I'll get Cabot, I'll go after Novak, finally Kim, the little slut who started this all."

"Who is it? I said I was busy, Jesus!" she yanks open the door her bronzed hair flying her body becoming stiff, a tremor in her voice causes me to stiffen. He wouldn't? He couldn't dear God. No!

"Casey, oh my god, wow it's been."

"Nine years Olivia, I know, I'm sorry may I come in?"

Liv turns to me I'm finally standing up enough to lean against her desk shaking, my stomach a total mess. I can barely stand I am so dizzy, my legs feel like jelly-fish. "Truthfully, I am in the middle of something." Casey looks down "I get it Liv, I was wrong, I know the last time you saw me burns in the back of my mind. I was a bitch back then."

Air is getting harder to find can't she take no as an answer? I can't yell for Liv, I can barely get my lungs to remember their basic function to contract air in then exhaling air. Casey keeps talking coming inside the room. "I was upset, no one stood by me, not one of you came to my hearing, I excepted better from my friends, especially you Liv, we were lovers after all."

Her eyes glisten over, my foggy mind can only process one thought "They were lovers?" Liv is into women? No, maybe I heard that wrong, maybe I am too close to passing out. "I was so devastated Liv, you were my best friend, lover, confident, you left me alone, when I got home, I saw your flowers, it was a cop-out, you should have been there for me Liv, I needed your arms, your words, love not flowers, I left them there to die, I took off I needed space. Time to think."

"Casey, I'm sorry but it's been nine years. I can't do this now."

Casey reaches out to grab Liv's hands "Please let me finish this is so hard. I'm not one to swallow my pride, in front of you I am, I'm so sorry for that night, I replay that night inside my mind, December is on repeat forever, I hate winter, I feel frozen forever, I can't eat. Sleep, think, work I feel like I am stuck in a Permanent December. So cold Liv, the guilt is so mind-numbing."

"Freedom comes with a price Casey, when you left I missed you so God damn much, every birthday I went out and bought a card, except I had no address to mail it to. I keep seeing us in summer camping fishing playing softball, getting drunk at that Renn Faire."

"Casey, honey I wish you had come back sooner when you were mine, I would've given you the world, I stood by you, but you pushed your luck too far in court, I couldn't save you Case. If you had made a different choice before the cold came in, but you didn't Case you brought the cold upon yourself. Only you can fix it."

Casey is too fast she stuns us all grabbing Liv kissing her passionately. My vision is clearing steadily Liv doesn't push her away. I can't do this, I can't watch the woman I admire, idolize and love with my whole heart kissing her ex. I'm no match for Casey, she's feisty, strong and drop-dead gorgeous. I have no strength left Patton took it all, with Casey back she'll be safe. No one needs me around anymore. I'm free.

So I run past them, I hear Liv yelling for me. Tears falling down my checks I run past the rest of our team every single one of them yelling. Pushing open the door to the stairwell I hear her heals chasing me, she'll never catch me though. I'm faster, younger more determined. I have nothing left to live for, so I have no reason to stop running not till I can make the cold go away forever, because unlike Elsa I have minded the cold. For a very long time.

A/N: Lyrics to Always Remember Us This Way belongs to Lady Gaga, the creators, writers of A Star is Born.


	2. Chapter 2 Part Two

**Chapter: Permanent December Part Two **

**P O V: Olivia Benson**

**A/N: Thanks for all the lovely reviews, favorites, and follows. If anyone wants to see these one shots become full fics, hit mew up. So who's excited for SVU 21 to start this season? Rated M, towards the end. **

"Casey, Honey. I'm so glad to see you, honestly."

Pushing her away, I take a moment to really look at her. She looks horrible, blood shot eyes, deathly pale skin glistening in sweat, left hand resting on an emancipated stomach "There's a butt in there somewhere isn't there Liv?" before I can fully answer her Amanda rushes past us both. "Rollins." she doesn't stop when I call her just keeps flying into the squad room and towards the elevator.

"Damn it." I mutter "Liv, I'm sorry. I'll go." Something in Casey's voice makes me stop, giving her my full attention. "Liv, I've been traveling the world as a human's rights Lawyer, I've been to London, France, Australia, Louisiana, Ireland, Italy, La. I've met so many handsome men and some incredibly gorgeous women, but no one compared to you Liv. It didn't matter if they spent thousands of dollars on me bought me the most expensive clothing or jewelry. I wasn't happy, not without you, I messed up, I'll never be able to take it back, however, I haven't stopped thinking about you, wondering how you were if you were well, safe, happy healthy or hurt. I've wanted to reach out to you so many times when I heard about Lewis, about you adopting Noah. I…"

"Didn't Casey, you didn't reach out, so why now?"

She sighs pacing back and forth blowing out tiny breaths "You know what Casey, I'm sorry, I don't have time for this, I need to find Amanda, maybe later. I'm sorry."

Rushing out of my office grabbing my cell phone, car keys where could Amanda be going? "Fin, With me now." "Copy Lieutenant." he glances at Casey who I swear has tears glistening in her eyes. Part of me aches for her, the woman I used to be in love with, the other part of me is filled with dread over Amanda's current state of mind and emotional roller-coaster. "Where can she be Fin?" I feel him squeeze my hand "It's mid-winter Olivia, I got an idea."

Gripping the door of his squad car, I let out a shaky breath as he speeds through midtown traffic. "It'll be alright Liv," "Will it?" I turn to the traffic lights their always in such control no one is supposed to go unless their green, even as crazy as traffic is in New York City they control the flow. Yellow of course "Shit." fin turns to me I'm sure he thinks I am crazy talking to a damn traffic light, the damn thing can't even tell me, yellow what does that even mean? "Relax Liv, this is Rollins we're talking about." "You didn't see her Fin, she's not alright, far from it."

"Jesus Fin! Where did you learn to drive?"

"Nascar baby, and video games! Liv the fifth floor, Rollins loves to take dance classes when she's stressed, try the Int Adv HIP-HOP FUSION."

Jumping out of the car before he's even come to a complete stop my legs burn badly as I race inside the BDC building. Past the red, white recipient desk up to the elevator my chest squeezes, tiny wheezing gasps whisper from my lungs. Damn, I need to work out more. My eyes scan the studio until I find the one where her class is. Studio 13. I spot her mid-center I can name the moves she's doing, but I can see how she's throw in herself into each move, her full attention on them, her body seems to have melted the stress away. So I wait sitting next to several women who have strollers as Fin comes in. "find her?" "Yea she's center in this class which seems to be mixed in ages seems strange to me. "They go by levels not ages dear," I glance over at one of the ladies who's rocking a fussy baby. "this is a level 4 class." my stare must give away my utter confusion because she smiles. "Level 1 is basic 1-2 years of training, Level 2 is beginners 2-5 years training, Level 3 is advanced beginner 5-8 years of training, L-4 Intermediate 8-10 years training. L-5 8-10 years, Lvl 6 s 10+ years training Pre-professional and professional."

"Fin I never even knew Amanda knew how to dance." He shrugged "It's been her outlet for years, it's one of her few that won't land her in jail." "She's amazing, look at the way she moves her body, she's almost as one with the music. If that's what you call this stuff." the women laugh beside me "Yeah, that's what they call this awful noise, if my boy wasn't so talented I'd drag his butt back to Contemporary." "Which one is your boy?" She points to the young man on Amanda's left he's barely fifteen, but he moves like he's been dancing well over forty years. "He's very talented." "He is thank you, he loves it, he wants to go Pro."

We wait till the class is over before I approach Amanda who is covered in sweat, breathing hard. Her eyes take a dangerous turn, darting between us, betrayal, anger. "Don't be mad at Fin, Manda, I asked him to bring me here, I needed to see you, can we talk in private? Please? I'm so sorry sweetie."

"Liv, I'm fine, go back to the station." "Honey, I don't think you are." "I am Liv seriously." "Why did you leave?" "Your girlfriend showed up Liv, thought you needed some privacy." "I sense some jealously, Rollins." "No, I just didn't want to be the reason Casey didn't get closure."

"Like you feel with Patton?"

"I'm done talking Liv,"

"No Amanda your not sweetie, you have a lot of shit you need to work out, I think you need to start talking honestly, hun." She blows out her bangs shoving past me knocking me with her dance bag. "honey I know after all these years I still need help." "I'm not you Olivia." "I know you aren't, you're stronger than I am, you've dealt with this on your own for so long you've become accustomed to not needing anyone. you've found ways to dull your pain, anger to numb yourself. As if it never happened."

She tenses, her arms freeze I can see her breathing pause. "You think if you hold your head up, smile laugh and work twice as hard no one will notice when you don't sleep or eat, when you show up late, hungover, barely alive."

"I've been there Rollins, I nearly burned and crashed, it's not anywhere near what you went through, it was terrifying to have no control, to feel helpless we've been so strong, bad-ass woman, so how can we let this happen right?" she turns slowly eyes filled with tears, face pale, hands shaking "No one has ever taken my side before Liv." "I'm truly sorry for this honey, you deserve better." "Till it happens to someone Liv, they can never understand."

"It's a lie Liv." "What is Mandy?" "That it gets better with time. It doesn't." I hand her a water bottle "Oh, baby. I am so sorry to hear you say that, it's not a lie Mandy, it can get better but you have to be willing to get help, you can't do this alone." "I have a plan Liv, I'll be fine."

"What plan Amanda?" She grabs her bag "I have to go Liv, thanks for coming to Sarge, but I'm okay go home to Noah. Or back to Casey, she looks like she could use you."

Grabbing at her arm I startle her I can tell by her gasp, the stumble of her steps causing her to drop her bag, which spills open. Pouring out the contents her dress suit, work shoes, makeup bag, cell phone, keys, headbands, flask, pill bottles..tons of them, razors. The horror in her eyes tells me instantly what her plan was. She panics trying to shove them all back into her bag, but for once I am quicker, dropping to my knees grabbing at the bottles.

"Dear, God, Amanda!"

"Give me that Liv! Now! You have no right!"

"Bullshit! I have every right you were going to kill yourself!" her face is set into a straight line as people glare at us, it dawns at me we are still in the hallway. "Let's go somewhere more private Amanda." "No Liv, you wanted to do this right here, so let's do it." Fin scurries over to watch a ballet class giving us privacy.

"Don't act like you care Sarge. You've treated me like a disease for years, I'm un-trust worthy, you would of transferred me if you weren't so short-staffed." Her words hurt worse than being bitch-slapped they leave me cold, shaken sickened with their truth. I said them, I can't take them back now. "I'm sick of being everyone's damn punching bag, of being rejected, I laugh, I act fine, I'm not your right, happy now? I'm a hot mess, I can't see any hope of life getting better, I don't find happiness in anything, time passes so painfully slow, I feel like shit 24/7. I can't escape him, I've buried myself in the bottle, shooting up, gambling, having unprotected unsafe sex, even..." Her voice drifts off slowly dipping in sadness that no human should ever feel. "Cutting."

"I've been dancing on the edge of the blade for five years now, the darkness seems to creep over me slowly with each passing day like the melody of a Stravinsky composition."

"Why now Amanda?"

"Because I am a crowd, because of me, Reese Taymor was raped, now she has to live with the trauma, it's unforgivable, I'm an SVU cop, I swore to protect, I let every woman down who has passed through the APD since I left, I put them at risk for a sexual predator. I can't live with a lifetime of being weighed down by this guilt,"

"so you off yourself?"

"Why not? What's one more light being put out? No one sees me in this darkness anyway. It's so dim Liv."

"How about why Amanda? How about I will notice if your light is gone, these thoughts are just thoughts, Amanda, they won't last forever, you know what does? Love, Hope, give me a few hours Amanda. Let me help you, I will show you a million reasons as to why living is the right reason, give me your arm please."

She hesitates but holds it out gently wiping the sweat off it, tracing my fingers over the white inked tattoo of her name, I take my lipstick out drawing a heart over her name a few music notes, "You are loved, Amanda, you love to sing, to dance, each day that passes means you've seen another sunset, sunrise with each rise brings the hope of a new day. Let me stand by your side let me show you what no one else has ever shown you." She eyes me suspicious "Love, Mandy, Unconditional Love. Acceptance no one should have to go to heaven to get acceptance."

"Will you let me help you?"

She slowly takes my hand "I've never trusted anyone like this before Liv, I don't get what you see in me, why would you care?"

"Why not Amanda? You are a beautiful soul, funny, compassionate, creative, you are devoted to your job, to helping victims, this takes a unique strong person, it was there inside of you before your assault, it's still there. I can keep going, I've seen you with people you barely know your soul is one of the purest Generous I've ever seen, you are loyal, fierce to the ones you love." "Some would say stubborn Liv." "Some would yes Amanda that's not a bad thing, it's not in your blood to quit Amanda, so don't do it now, please I know you have integrity, so be honest with me now do you want to die? Or do you just want to feel normal again? Do you want the pain to stop?"

I can see her struggling bitting her lip blowing out little puffs of air, I'm sure she needs a smoke right now. The internal battle she wages inside herself slices my heart, I missed the signs for far too long. What kind of Sargent am I if I can't even see how one of my own was hurting? What kind of cop am I?

"I want it to stop, the nightmares, flashbacks, depression, anger, sickness, self -hate, numbness, haunted lost feelings."

"These are all possibilities, Amanda. But honey you have to be alive to see them happen, I can get you medication, therapy, I know you don't like paying someone to listen to your issues." "Liv, again I am so sorry that was out of line of me, whatever you need to help yourself that's your business." "Your right Amanda it is, and how you deal with your struggles is yours until it puts yourself at risk. Now I will step in, I believe you could benefit from seeing a trained therapist, having these thoughts, feelings that's not healthy Amanda. You need ways to cope healthy safe ways, once you have a grip on these feelings, you don't have to keep seeing someone if you don't feel comfortable, but how do you know it won't help until you try?"

"I won't, I guess."

"Preciously Amanda, so will you try? If not for you, for me?"

"Okay, Liv, I will."

"Thank you, Amanda, thank you. I just want to see you healthy."

I gather her pill bottles, razor and confiscate them wrapping my arm over her back "Will go back to the precinct, get my bags, then will go back to my place, I'll call Dr. Lindstorm to see if he can see you today, even if it's just for a referral." She nods laying her head on my shoulder "I'm so exhausted Liv. I just want to feel alive again."

"You will my love, I promise you someday you will feel better, it will take time Amanda, it won't be easy but I'll be by your side." "Promise?" "I do honey." "Sarge." "Yes?" "Will my job be affected?" "Long term no Amanda as long as you get the help you need, as long as I see that you are for active duty. There may be an adjustment period for a week or two Amanda with the medication/ treatment, as long as your therapist feels that it's safe your job will be there." "Will I have to be hospitalized?" "that's up to the therapist and you Amanda, if you're still feeling like a danger to yourself, yes you may need to be admitted."

"I don't want to Liv, be admitted."

"No one does honey, but if it's what it takes to save your life then it must be done."

She's quite on the way back to the station eyes closed for the most part as she sits next to me in the backseat. The sunlight reflects off the window making her blond hair glow in beautifully highlighted streaks. She opens her eyes slightly as a song comes on the radio her voice is small when she first starts to sing but gains in monumental as she sings.

_I thought about me  
I thought about God  
Everything love is  
And everything it's not_

_I thought about songs that make us feel better  
I thought about faith that ties it all together  
I thought about now, then thought about forever  
I thought about fire and how we walked through it  
The times I got it right, the times I blew it  
I thought about real, I thought about good, I thought about true  
And I thought about you_

Smiling at her I pull her closer to me kissing her head "I'll drop you, two ladies, off, I'll be up." "Thanks, Fin." her sigh lets me know she's exhausted, scared and nervous as we ride up the elevator. "Just breathe Amanda, inhale on three...exhale on one..." "Copy Sarge, so how does it feel to save a life?"

Complete mayhem uproars as we step off the elevator our squad room as erupted into the scene straight out of a horror movie. My officers are standing at attention by their desks, a few are crying, most looked shell shocked, terrorized. "Shit, Liv's here." Munch curses racing over to us "hold her back!" Someone else yells, instantly alarms go off inside my head. "Hold me back from what? What the hell is going on in my squad room?" Amanda's arms tighten around my shoulder her head picks up she senses the darkness as quickly as I do.

"Sarge it's best if you stay out of here right now." "The hell I will John, tell me what's going on?" he looks to Carisi who looks red-faced ready to cry himself. "Sarge let's go somewhere private."

My legs start to shake I can't get rid of this feeling of dread like I know something horrible has happened, I just don't know who it happened to, or what happened. A dull ache is starting in the back of my head, neck. I grab Amanda's hand to reassure me, she's here, she's safe. "What the hell Liv?" Fin comes up behind us just as my vision catches the figures stepping out of my office. Chief Dobbs, Bureau Chief Muldew and Judge Elizabeth Donnelly looking bewilderingly revolted. Dobbs even gags as he steps out. I find myself rooted in this spot, frozen. "Liv?" Amanda's voice is tense as scared as I feel inside. John Munch one of my Sargent's comes over trying to wrap his arm over my shoulders. "Sarge let's go somewhere private."

"Not till someone tells…." my sentence is cut off when I see Medical Examiner Melinda Warner coming out of my office along with two Paramedics wheeling a stretcher, the body is covered. Melinda is covered in blood, she's seen the worst of the worst yet she's openly crying, shaking. She doesn't see me not till I scream, it hits me. I know who's under that sheet.

All heads turn to me as everyone is suddenly rushing towards me. I don't need to hear the words, I don't want to, if I hear them, they'll be true. Hands grab me, my knees buckle, my chest tears open from the screams that rip from them. Amanda's arms wrap around me holding me to her.

I'm losing the battle to stay up -right, I feel Fin and Jon helping her to pull me to an interrogation room, my heart is pounding worse than the walls in a thunderstorm, my stomach is rolling in waves of nauseated agony. Somehow they get me to the room, my back hits the metal chair hard, my head falls to my knees. Tears streak down my face, I feel Amanda in front of me, it's not her voice I hear though it's Judge Donnelly's.

"Liv, I am so sorry, this can't be real. I didn't know she was even back."

"What the hell is going on Elizabeth?" Screw Formality I have no time for it right now. She's crying too hard to answer. I lose my patience grabbing her hands "What happened. Damn it someone tell me!"

"Olivia, I am so sorry it's Casey...She's gone."

"Gone? Where did she go? She was just here less than an hour ago."

I can't process what she's saying my breath is coming in shaky sequences, my mind seems frozen on the last image I have of Casey standing there in front of me shaking, begging me for help. "She's dead Liv, she found one of your service weapons in your desk, she used it to shoot herself."

Black spots danced in my vision I hear someone scream, instinctively I know it's me, but there's so much air rushing past me, I can't even focus on anyone. My body feels heavy darkness closes around me.

"She's waking up." my eyelids feel as if there are sandbags on top of them, my head is throbbing. I can feel Amanda stroking my face with something wet, cool. I can just barely make out her worried face along with Melinda's.

"What happened?" My voice sounds thick, rough to my ears. I see them exchange looks which makes me sick, a Permanent cold seems to have taken a hold of my whole body. I can see Fin on his knees, my eyes adjust to the bright lights, I realize I am laying on the floor of one of our interrogation rooms. "Liv what is the last thing you remember?" Amanda's using that soft soothing voice she uses for victims/ families. I am not a victim, why the hell is she talking to me like I am? "Tell me what the hell is going on now Rollins, I am your Sargent." she matches me in quickness "This doesn't work Sarge, but if you want to play that game Chief Dobbs is here, he outranks you Sargent." her fieriness makes me smile "Well played Rollins, fine get Chief Dobbs."

Fin helps me to sit up but I am still so dizzy my heart is swollen with so many emotions. The minute I see Chief Dobbs, it hits me. Casey is dead. he's not an overly emotional person, he's not a very compassionate person, he's all business. Now though his face is streaked with tears. Part of me knows he's probably worried about the scandal this will cause. Another part of me thinks he's generally shaken by what happened.

"I need to know Chief, what happened."

'Olivia." his tone tells me I don't want to know. It's soft shocked, "Will talk about the details later, right now you should go home."

"No not till I know, what weapon? Where did she find it? Where did she … oh god, where did she shoot herself?"

He sighs "Liv she found your spare Glock 22, she uh, she shot herself in her head."

My legs stumble back as memories of Casey and I plague my mind eating ice cream on the 4th of July we were drunk and wore most of it, Elliot snapped photo's of it as we were making out, god I can taste her on my lips, cherry vanilla ice cream mixed with cinnamon mouthwash. Casey's eyes had danced with joy back then.

On the beach in that skin-hugging bikini as we lay in the sun, her skin was golden kissed her gorgeous ginger hair flying as she lay on her stomach. Teaching me how to surf I was a mess, but those amazing biceps caught me every time I fell, wrapped themselves around me and lathered me in kisses as she dipped me in the ocean.

Dancing at Elton John's concert singing badly at the top of our drunk lungs. She was slightly stoned but damn she was beautiful. Softball games, picnics, teaching me how to play guitar, fighting over cases, making up with Chinese food takeout and our endless love making.

It's a joke a cruel twisted joke, she can't be gone. She just can't be! Who would hate me enough to play with me like this? "Oh, God," Amanda is quick to shove the bucket under my mouth and grab my hair.

I can't breathe as I hold Casey's note in my hands less than thirty minutes later my eyes are filled with tears rapidly as the truth hits me hard I failed her, I let someone who depended on me down. She needed me, she loved me, time and time again I failed now because of me she's gone forever, how can this be happening? Why did it happen? What twisted universe is this? I save one friend from the brink of death only to lose another in such a violent sudden moment. "Olivia?" Amanda's voice startles me my throat is dry "Do you want me to read it?" I can't think or speak only one thought raced through my mind. Why? Why is she gone this soon?

I let her take the note and crawl into her open arms laying my head down on her lap. It's crossing so many boundaries in our personal lives, right now I could care less. I just need someone to hold me, someone to love me. Tears flow fast down my checks my chest burns as she reads Casey's final words to me. Typed on my computer in my office only hours before. I left her standing there begging me to hear her. I ignored her pain, she died thinking I didn't care, how am I suppose to live with this guilt?

"_Dearest Olivia,_

_I wish you knew how much your memory has always meant to me. I never wanted to hurt you, to ignore you. I just needed time, space, I let the years fly by. Now I guess I am too late, I'm not surprised to find the padlock on your door or your heart, I help put it there._

_I won't lie though it hurts badly. I can't even find the words my old life feels so far away, you've moved on as you have the right to. I wish I could have found a way to make a new start. Guess I screwed even that up. _

_Every new city I found a cute guy or a smoking hot woman to spend the night with, I let them buy me drinks, clothes, dinner, I gave them a piece of me, I think I gave so many pieces away of myself I lost a little bit of who I am, my self respect, dignity, pride. I haven't seen them in such a long time, I forget what they feel like. I'm exhausted so I try to numb the pain, drugs, alcohol more sex, none of it works. _

_Each morning is the same I wake up with cold sweats, shaken with regret, self-hate, and loneliness. I know how badly I messed up when I told you I didn't need you, when I left those roses to die, I lost the best part of me. _

_I'm a mess Liv, I've fallen so far, most mornings I can't even remember the night before, I'm sure I was raped at least a few of those nights. I'm scared Liv, I know I have an addiction. I can't stop. Two days ago I lost my job. _

_They say when you have to fight for every breath, for life, when you can fight through the pain, when your heart beating you find the value of life. I guess I am the exception because I don't feel stronger than this fight, I feel beaten down, I feel like I fucked up, I blew it all, I had it all. Now I have nothing, no one. I can't blame anyone except myself. _

_I'm falling, I can't go back. I tried to find hope, I searched all through the world, I just can't seem to see any light behind the darkness. Last night I reached rock bottom, I took an overdoes, course I messed that up. I can't even die right. _

_I can blame my issues on my dad, my job losses, my friends who turned their backs on me, in the need it's my fault, I'm tired of fighting for sobriety, sanity, I just want it to end. Not without talking to you first, I need help I know this...damn I know this…_

_It's hard to say_

_I'm an addict_

_You deserve better, I just can't get you off my skin, mind, lips, fingertips, you're like my favorite curse word. Damn, fuck your my heart, soul, my addiction. My greatest fuck up, I am so sorry, I miss you. _

_I'm coming home I'm so scared Liv, so fucking scared, Damn I just need you to listen to me, to hold me. Even if it's just as a friend a sister, I need someone Liv. I don't want to be just a forgotten memory … one forgotten over time, a name whispered in regret or horror. I want to be loved, treasured... I want to be somebody's world._

_Even if it's not yours._

_Liv, I blew it, I get it you wouldn't even give me five minutes today. I'm sorry for bothering you I hope your friend's okay, I'm glad she has you to look out for her. I can't remember what that feels like some days. Today watching you chase her, I remembered it's killing me to know you no longer care about me I can't do this anymore. I love you, Olivia, I always will. _

_Please don't blame yourself. I'm sorry for doing it this way, I just don't want to be alive anymore, I want to die in the only place that ever felt like home._

_I'm sorry seems so empty but I truly am, I love you, please remember all the fun times, all the love we shared, not this one final moment of my life. The times were ours, yours and mine, we did have some amazing memories. _

_Goodbye Liv, please take care of yourself, please allow yourself to love, trust and feel you deserve all the best. You are the best. Love, Always Casey._

Amanda's arms embrace me as I dissolve "It's not your fault Liv, it's not, you couldn't have known." "How could I have not Amanda? I knew something was wrong with you! I stopped you." "No Liv, I stopped myself, you gave me a voice, but I made the choice. I want to live Sarge, I'll get the help, promise me you'll go with me, you can't hold this inside, what happened here today is a tragedy."

"If I had listened to her Amanda, not ran off, if I kept in contact with her, made an effort, gone to her hearing, showed her I gave a damn."

"You bought her flowers, you tried." "Not hard enough Amanda, I'm not ready to say goodbye."

She embraces me tightly "No one ever is Liv, no one ever is." Casey was." "No Liv, she was just tired of hurting, I get it I was her, thank you Liv."

The first set of tears gives way to days of endless tears first came picking out her casket, her funeral ceremony. Contacting her family, writing her obituary calling friends, burying her, packing her apartment up.

Sleepless nights laying in Amanda's arms days of vomiting, shaking and trying to be strong. Amanda is by my side every day, night. She makes her first therapy appointment, which I go with her to, holding her hand which is shaking she talks open, honestly to her new Doctor.

"why is every chapter in my life started with a goodbye?" Dr. Lindstorm has no answer he just sits, watches as Amanda holds my hand "I lost Elliot, I gained Amanda, I lost my mom but gained my SVU family I lost my youth, I got my son, now I get Amanda only to lose Casey, I'm sick of goodbye's."

"We always think we have forever till it's gone, Olivia."

"It's not supposed to be like this." Amanda lights up a cigarette as we stand outside after our appointment.

"I feel like I cheated death only for it to catch her, I'm sorry Liv if you weren't with me."

I take her in my arms "Don't Manda, your right Casey made a choice I'm glad I was with you, I'm glad I helped you, I just hope Casey's at peace now."

"shall we pray for her?"

"I'd like that Amanda, thank you."

"Liv, Just hang on someday we will find the sun again, someday this Permanent December will melt away, will find our happiness." biting my lip I take a lesson from Casey, I won't be just a memory in Amanda's mind, taking the cig out of her hand I turn to her lifting her chin. "May I have permission to kiss you?" her body goes rigid breath frozen her eyes lock with mine. "Yes, Liv, I've been waiting far too long."

I wipe the tears from her eyes, my lips brush gently over hers, plump with desire, she tastes like grape, I've always hated grape, now I eagerly suck the sweetness. Pulling her close my right-hand rests gently on her butt. Our kiss starts hesitant small but grows with a delicate sweetness. Reminding me of the first drop of new wine, unsure, the taste unfamiliar but provoking curiosity and craving it's sweetness, even as it burns. Easily this flavor becomes the most intense, most thrilling flavor my taste buds have ever been tingled with.

I'm not sure who starts to the car first, her no maybe it was me, we stumble, our kiss breaks apart, we laugh, touching each other's checks with such sweetness, benevolent my lips lock with hers. Small breathless gasps, tears caress each other's cheeks as my back hits the upholstery. Blocking out any reasons for this to not happen, I let my worries slip to the back of my mind as her lips suck on my neck. Pulling her on top of me, my legs wrap themselves around her waist, clenching under her butt, which is firm and soft at the same time.

Amanda is the first to unclasp my bra, her hands slide over my flesh, which shivers under her touch. I'm not about to let her have all the fun, so I lift her shirt over her head, throwing it to the ground, my eyes fest on her seductive, titillating body. She works out for sure, she stares into my eyes as I unclasp her bra letting it fall, my eyes following the rise/ fall of her chest. we're both naked now, exposed, vulnerable there's no turning back now. "You sure Mandy? You okay with this?"

"More than okay, Liv, I've been wanting this forever." Her voice grows huskier, the southern drawl more obvious. She hits the remote so music fills the car as she slips two warm fingers inside of me, my gasps make her giggle. "You're cute when you blush Rollins." "Your dead ass sexy every second of the day Liv." our kiss deepens as she lays on top of me, breasts touching tender breasts. Stomach upon stomach.

Her tongue is flirtatious with the pores of my mouth, she traces the bottom of my teeth with the tip. I cry out for more, her tears fall against my jaw, so I kiss below causing her to moan. Her salty, smokey breath warmly slaps my nipples, causing me to tremble. "Amanda." I moan softly arousing both of her desires. My fingers tighten around her shoulders as her motions continue, I try to hang on to give her time.

Her thrusts increase pain radiates over my body so I close my eyes when I open them I see her libidinous body moving gracefully up and down my body, sweat is dripping, heat is rising, our moans fill the car drowned out only by the music. Watching her body gives me the patience I need to get past the pain. Each kiss each thrust creates a second which becomes a moment, each moment creates a beautiful sensuous work of art. Her tongue is nearly swallowed by my mouth.

The moment arrives with exhausted exhalation I cry out in pleasure as waves of arousal drench her fingers. She collapses beside me, panting laughing as we hold each other kissing, she lays her head down on my chest. I pull her close covering her with my jacket. "Rest your head, Mandy, close your eyes, I've got you. Thank you, Amanda. I love you too."

She smiles letting out a breath as her eyes close. "I know Olivia, I feel it." closing my eyes I relish this moment, the trust it took for her to open up, to allow me access to her body. Gently my hands run the length of her amazing body. Is end a prayer up tot he heavens for Jesus to take care of Casey.

"Here you are, next to me, So much beauty, You're ocean-wide beautiful blue eyes,"

"You're not so bad yourself honey." I brushed her curls back so I could see her eyes the way she moves me is like she's reading my mind; I lean into her kissing her deeply. "Sleep tight, sweetie. I'm here, I'll hold you."

"Forever?"

"If that's what you wish Amanda than Forever it is."

"Forever's a long time Liv,"

"Not long enough babe. Not nearly long enough."


End file.
